Not Being Perfect, Is Okay

 If you are being useful to someone, you are worthy of their love. WRONG!

You are always worthy of love. 

I know it might be hard to hear. (It was/is for me.)

This is a hard won lesson, not only for me, but for many of you. Of that I am sure. 

Those of us who were complimented for the help we gave, and how we were so easy to raise because we just took care of ourselves, are now having problems with this concept in adulthood.

Being a stay at home mom, I would have panic attacks if my husband was unloading the dishwasher while I was drinking my coffee. I felt like it was an unconscious comment that I wasn't doing enough. That I shouldn't allow myself the moments to rest, or recovery if there were chores to be done. Considering that there are always chores to be done, that meant I could never relax. 

There is always more dishes to wash, more laundry to do, floors to sweep, surfaces to scrub, or food to prep. So if I wasn't perfectly, and completely done with everything that could possibly be done in our home, I couldn't let myself relax. Even though my husband never said that, or would ever say anything close to it. I still felt that if he was having to do any chores I was not doing my job well enough so I wasn't worthy to continue at it. Or that he wouldn't love me enough if I didn't have everything done perfectly.

This played into a lot of perfectionism. I know I have a problem with that, personally, as I know many other people do as well.

One of the hardest things that I have had to come to terms with is that the chores are not all necessarily mine. Just because I am the one who is "home", and I am the primary person who is there and usually do them, doesn't mean that I am the sole person responsible for it. Bruce can do the dishwasher and run a load of laundry all while I am drinking a cup of coffee at the table and it is not a comment on my abilities to be a mother, wife, or friend. It is just that he saw that those chores needed to be done, and since it is his home too, he took it upon himself to do those chores that he saw were needed.

I know there are so many tiktoks, Instagram reels, and youtube videos of men and women both saying that this is exactly what marriage partners are supposed to do. That they need to share the mental load. It seems that thousands of people around the globe would give anything for their partners to do this without them begging. 

For me it just ended up feeling unnatural and unnerving. This was my job. If someone came into your office and sat down at your computer to do your work while you were on your lunch break, would you find that ok? Probably not. I felt that way. However, I can now understand that it is just too much for one person. The housework, and mental work of running a home and family are too much for one person to bear alone. Trying to do so burnt me out, and I will admit, I was not much fun to be around. 

Bruce took me on a Mexican cruise vacation without the children to help me relax. What I found there was that I only seemed to be able to relax when I didn't see all the housework around reminding me of what I needed to get done. Was removing myself the only way to relax? Really? That cannot be healthy for anyone. 

I learned a lot from that vacation. About myself, my work ethics, and how to relax even if the chores aren't done. In the year since I can confidently say I am doing much better on that front. It took awhile, and I still would never be able to fully decompress if the house was dirty, but I can allow myself an hour to read a novel before I go load the dishwasher and run the laundry. Progress is slow, but going well. I feel that slow progress is much more likely to stick around than if I were to implement changes overnight and try to stick with them. 

So for now, while I cannot go to bed if the counters are dirty, the dishwasher clean and full with dirty dishes in the sink, dirty laundry piled up in front the the washing machine, or kitty litters unscooped, I can give myself a bit of grace, ask for help, and get what I can get done without feeling like a failure for the day. A job done imperfectly, is still done.